Imagine the 2022 World Cup (Summer): Suarez in the goal, Peru and Pitbull

The 2022 World Cup would have kicked off today had FIFA not tore up the entire football calendar so that Qatar could host it. The athlete’s request from Jack Lang Artificial amounts of narcotics for the neck Use his imagination and imagine what we might lose…

Preamble Fifi

Hello human! They gathered, they gathered. My name is FIFA Info Bot 3.0 – My fellow customer interaction algorithms call me Fifi – and I’m here to officially welcome you to the 2022 World Cup. The 2022 Summer World Cup, that is.

Worse than funny…attack.

If you know anything at all about FIFA, you know we’re better than that.

No, people, it’s time now. It’s June 10, the day you circle your calendar the day you bought it from the FIFA online store. The sun is shining (gently!) and football is back home. to Switzerland. Thirty-two teams (the nest – more on this later), eight host cities, from ready-made Davos in the east to semi-fantasy Nyon Castle in the west.

You can almost taste the excitement inside the free champagne, right?

The first thing that comes on the itinerary is the highlight of any tournament: the opening ceremony. We have a special treatment for you. He is an artist whose work is woven into the fabric of your culture. Not just a Krakerjack performer, but one of the greatest songwriters and lovers.

I’m talking of course about the pitbull.

Pitbull opens the fake 2022 Summer World Cup (Photo: Buda Mendes – FIFA / FIFA via Getty Images)

Armando Christian Perez, born January 15, 1981, better known by his stage name Pitbull, is an American singer and rapper. Perez started his career in the early 2000s, recording reggae… Oh, sorry man, your eyes seem to pop. Sweet fantasy, I’m sure. How easy it is to tumble into a pitbull rabbit hole!

We must continue. Not yet on football – patience man! – But for that pitbull extravaganza. Look, down there: this is our man. And yes, he sings a duet with…a hologram of a Pitbull! My circuit boards can barely handle the excitement!

Oh, and now see. The brightest and best FIFA player has also scoured the world to find 50 Pitbull doppelgangers to support the singers and dancers. It’s really not very good, but the pitbull worker is through the roof. Pitbull!

Group stage in bad titles

Machu Sukero: Peru and Australia made history by forming the first composite team for the World Cup after time ran out in an Intercontinental play-off. “We thought we had until November,” says confused Christian Cueva. “He really snuck up on us.”

Look who’s talking now: Romelu Lukaku celebrates his five goals against Canada by creating a custom-made Thomas Tuchel ventriloquist doll from behind an advertising stack. Yannick Carrasco seems a little afraid of that. the athlete He talks to six elite ventriloquists to analyze his style.

SUPER BLATTERDAY: The absolutely infamous FIFA legend Sepp Blatter is sending fans into ecstasy by livestreaming his attempt to attend four matches in one day on Twitch. Ricardo Teixeira and Jack Warner entered FIFA’s permanent jokes via video link.

GEORDIE…sure? Saudi Arabia fans express their displeasure after the national team lined up for the Poland match in what is, transparently, the Newcastle shirt last season. “They literally wrote the letters ‘KSA’ on one of the white bits at Sharpie,” says one supporter. “They didn’t bother pulling the name Jonjo Shelvey from behind.”

POG’S FLIP-FLOP: Announcing his impending return to Juventus after France’s tense 1-0 win over Peru, Paul Pogba celebrated his first goal in the draw with Denmark by taking off his shirt to reveal Manchester United underneath. “I just want this feeling of being a champion back to last forever,” says the midfielder, amid rumors that he is now planning to move between Turin and Manchester every three days for the rest of his career.

Paul Pogba Manchester United

Pogba hails Manchester United (Picture: Getty Images)

IT’S CYMRU HOME: With England already qualified for the Round of 16, Gareth Southgate is finally feeling free to fulfill the ambition of his life: naming an entire right-back squad. James Justin starts in goal, with Kieran Tripper, Rhys James, Kyle Walker and Kyle Walker Peters through the linebacker. Joe Gomez and Nathaniel Klein play the midfield role. Trent Alexander-Arnold and Tino Livramento were assigned limping creative duties. Up front, John Flanagan — a surprise call-up to a team that some critics have described as “unbalanced” and “ridiculously stupid” — partners with Carl Jenkinson. Wales wins and sneaks through.

Look, Mum, No Hands: Ghana advanced to the knockout stage thanks to a late goal against Uruguay in Group H – and the unquestionable moral integrity of Luis Suarez. The veteran striker had to score in the last 15 minutes after Fernando Muslera’s second yellow card. But Suarez refuses to use his hands, and despite being saved twice, is unable to stop Jordan Ayew’s header from falling into his net. “That was for 2010,” Suarez cries after the final whistle, tears mingled with blood gushing from a hole on the side of his head. In his hands… well, it looks like it’s his ear. “Oh, that? I’m cooking it up for Giorgio Chiellini tonight. A little pepper, maybe some cumin, but the main ingredient is my honest sigh.”

Grizzly knockout stages

Remember the old days? When there were three or four football games on TV every afternoon and you didn’t even have to plan what you were doing at all other than picking out a certain type of fried food that you were going to scoop into your cup? Blurry, carefree times. But it’s all over now, son. Welcome to Siriusville. Pack up.

excitement? No, not anymore. The Holland and Wales match boils down to a match between Wout Weghorst and Wayne Hennessey, which produces the kind of timeless solo competition in years from now, experts will say “definitely happened.” Ultimately, Weghorst won the ball at the judge’s decision in overtime, collecting the ball home with his neck, armpit and nose hair.

That makes up the quarter-final match with Argentina, who are grinding down Denmark and clearly not interested in the final episode of Christian Eriksen’s inevitable Amazon Prime documentary series. Spain skips the coast of Croatia after Gavi – a real kid – confuses their aging stars by telling them about TikTok and Logan Paul. Brazil beat Ghana.

On the other side of the draw are easy victories for France and Portugal over the two nice teams in the second round, Mexico and Switzerland. (“No, honestly, I didn’t really want to go to the party anyway. It’s one inside, one outside, so you have to break it in. The suit? It’s just what I wear every day. Those aren’t tears! Sweaty eyes!” “).

Harry Kane’s sixth World Cup penalty helps England beat Ecuador at St Gallen – Flanagan, Klein and Jenkinson came to really cement the right wing in the closing minutes – and Belgium beat Germany thanks to…Eden… Hazard? I swear I’ve heard that name before somewhere, but I honestly can’t put it down.

Hazard recovers from a miserable season to inspire Belgium (Photo: Dirk Wim/Belga Mag/AFP via Getty Images)

Quarter-finalists follow the model book. Argentina, whose players seem fed up with all those “Messi never won the World Cup” memes, shocked the Dutch. Brazil beat Spain, Kylian Mbappe made Harry Maguire’s entire existence seem irrelevant as France wrecked England, and with Cristiano Ronaldo’s jet-set allure still going, Portugal surrendered to Belgium.

The first semi-final is preceded by a spectacle confirming that Brazil, which has been oddly calm thus far, has finally made it to this tournament.

As Argentina’s players take to the field, men in yellow are nowhere to be seen. Then the floodlights went out. A strange piano line rings on the PA. Then Thiago Silva comes out carrying a burning torch and weeping uncontrollably. When his teammates join him, and a small wooden boat is moved to the center circle, it becomes clear what is happening.

They are organizing a full Vikings funeral for Neymar, who has sprained his ankle against Spain and thus cannot play.

David Luiz flew in from Rio to lead the 35-minute vigil.

It is very impressive. Brazil loses 4-0.

The next day, France beat Belgium in a match whose details I will delete here because I really want to not write this article anymore.

Coda Vivi

Hello again, human! Hope you enjoyed the last month. The weather was not very fatal, wasn’t it? Sure enough, the air-conditioning bill seems acceptable to me, and the notion that migrant workers…

(painful whistling sounds)

Difficult. Reboot. I started.

(four minutes later)

Hello human. My name is FIFA Info Bot 3.0 – My fellow customer interaction algorithms call me Fifi – and I’m here to officially welcome you to the 2022 World Cup.

(more whistling and buzzing)

It looks like we are…yes, my system files confirm that we are…it’s now July 10th. Sunday. The day of the grand finale. Argentina vs France.

And yes, mortal, as it was always written in the stars, the night is about every single man.

look at him. It is wonderful, the very concept of perfection becomes flesh. He moves with the grace of a hummingbird, as if the laws of physics give him freedom of passage. If I had veins, I would have asked you to inject his essence into them, metaphorically, human. Blessed are we to be in his presence on such a historic night. He is the first man to perform in both the opening and closing ceremonies of the tournament. My kind, gentle prince.

The match itself is good. Messi scores two goals and Argentina wins.

Is that all you want, man? Does that satiate your thirst for summer aid? It has been a pleasure to serve you and inform you. I leave you, as it should, with the FIFA logo. Let her guide you, even in times of strife.

for the sake of the game. for the world. for pitbull.

(Main Graphic – Images: Getty Images / Design: Sam Richardson)

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